Remote Parents - Benefits and Heartache

Just over three months ago, I made the decision to bring my daughter back to China and enroll her in preschool there. My wife and I then returned to the Bay Area to continue working. This non-traditional choice prompted me to reflect on and document my feelings here. In particular, I will share the benefits and heartache.

Benefits

Gain Back Focus Time

My daughter was born during the Covid pandemic, and for the past 3.5 years, my wife and I have been the primary caregivers. Although we've had assistance from a nanny, it can still be quite challenging to remain constantly focused. Taking care of toddlers requires a lot of attention. There have been instances when both my wife and I have mistaken the sound of wind blowing for our baby crying. However, despite the difficulties, we believe that it's absolutely worth it.

Being Bilingual

When my daughter attended daycare, she would speak English with her classmates. Additionally, she would watch English-language animations like Peppa Pig. Consequently, she developed a tendency to speak English rather than Chinese when communicating with us. Despite my efforts to use Chinese as much as possible with her, it became apparent that the environment played a significant role in her language preferences.

Once my daughter returned to China, she initially faced some difficulties. However, after approximately two weeks, something remarkable happened: she began using highly advanced words in Chinese. This demonstrated that being consistently exposed to the Chinese language and culture greatly enhanced her Chinese language skills. Furthermore, we made the decision to enroll her in an international school, as we believe this will allow her to continue expanding her English vocabulary. Our hope is that this dual exposure will enable her to become truly bilingual.

Spend more time with my parents

My parents love my daughter just as much as I do. They have expressed their strong desire for my daughter to spend 2 years in China with them. Although this decision has initially posed a challenge for me, I have come to realize that 2 years is not an excessively long period, especially considering that my daughter will spend a significantly longer amount of time with me overall, compared to the time my parents can stay with her. While this thought does bring about some sadness, I believe it is valuable for my parents to have the opportunity to spend quality time with my daughter. Their presence will surely enrich her experiences.

Heartache

Missing some time with her

Being remote parents means missing out on quality time with your daughter. Children grow up quickly, and their language and motor skills progress rapidly. I will undoubtedly feel regret for missing these priceless moments. Deciding whether the benefits outweigh the heartache is a personal choice that varies from person to person. For me, it is certainly a struggle.

I am making every effort to fly back to see my daughter as often as possible, in order to spend more time with her. Fortunately, working in the tech industry allows me some flexibility in doing so.

Sense of Insecurity

One thing that we did not anticipate was my daughter developing a sense of insecurity after some time apart from us. She started to believe that we had abandoned her, which was deeply saddening for me. To address this during our video calls, I make sure to emphasize that both her daddy and mommy love her more than anyone else. It is important for her to understand that we made the decision to leave her in China so that she could have meaningful and special moments with her grandparents.

Moving back to US means another new start

Even for children, relocating can be challenging. My daughter used to have a close friend that she met in daycare. They would go to playgrounds, parks, and even visit Disneyland together. However, when my daughter returned to China, she unfortunately lost touch with her friends. Although she has managed to make new friends at the preschool in China, it is still disheartening to see old friendships fade away. Even as adults, we may have grown accustomed to this, but it never truly gets any easier.

Another aspect to consider is the adjustment to a new culture. I can foresee my daughter facing some difficulties upon returning to the US. My wife and I are first-generation immigrants, so we do not have a strong support system here. Without the presence of extended family, my daughter will have to readapt to American culture, environment, and language all over again. While I am confident that she will ultimately adapt, the process can be quite trying.